Tag Archives: silly

Race round the shops #bill and bob

The team:

Mum: Tired mum of three. Tries her best to keep an eye on her kids and a smile on her face at all times. Doesn’t *always* succeed.

Son no. 1: Just turned seven. Usually quite sensible although his attempts to help aren’t always actually that helpful.

Son no. 2: Nearly five. Bit of a nutter.

Baby: 16 months. Very laid back which, frankly, is the only way he survives.

And now to our commentators Bill and Bob to guide us through a trip to the supermarket:

Bill: “You join us outside the supermarket as we wait for Mum and her kids to arrive. The weather is terrible: sheets of rain are coming co opdown – I’d be surprised if they make it here at all, Bob”

Bob: “I think they have to, Bill – Mum had to have her tea without milk this morning and she couldn’t make toast without scraping green bits off the bread first so I think this trip’s a necessity!”

Bill: “Turns out you’re right Bob: I can see mum and kids driving down the road towards us now!”

Bob: “Mum’s looking out for a parking space and I can see one right in front of the store which is useful – I think she’s spotted it too!”

Bill: “Yes it’s great the way they have these ‘parent and child’ spaces now – it means she won’t have to walk from the other side of the car park with a baby on her hip and two small boys running round her ankles! In this weather that’s a massive bonus.”

Bob: “Oh except…”

Bill: “Oh no! A sports car has driven into the space just before Mum got there… a young man has got out of it.”

Bob: “No sign of any kids with him Bill?”

Bill: “None at all Bob – perhaps he can’t read the clear signage ‘parent and child parking only’?”

Bob: “Honestly Bill, from the way he’s just barged his way past those other people to get into the shop I’d say it’s more that he’s a…”

Bill: “Colossal bell-end.”

Bob: “Well I wan’t going to put it quite that way Bill!”

Bill: “Neither was I Bob – that’s just what I saw Mum mouthing as she looked at him going in the supermarket by himself.”

Bob: “She’ll have to park further away now.”

Bill: “Hmmm, and crossing the car park with three kids looks like it’s a real struggle! The baby’s slipping off her hip constantly and Son no.2 is more interested in singing and dancing than actually walking in a straight line! Nothing dampens his spirits eh Bob?”

Bob: “Doesn’t seem to no, although from her expression Mum is feeling very differently and… oops, she’s just dropped her handbag! But it’s ok Son no.1 is picking it up for her and shovelling everything that fell out onto the ground back into it.”

Bill: “Was that empty crisp packet and cigarette butt in there originally Bob?”

Bob: “I’m not sure it was Bill, no – might be a bit of a surprise for her later…”

Bill: “Well that crisis seems to have been averted anyway and, thank God, they’ve got inside – oh?!”

Bob: “What’s that Bill?”

Bill: “Well I thought Mum would go for a trolley so she’d have somewhere to put the baby down but she’s just got a basket.”

Bob: “Ah, that’s because there’s no need for a trolley Bill: I’ve heard her telling the kids they’re ‘Just popping in for bread and milk.'”

Bill: “I see… although they do seem to be heading for the fruit and veg now and flinging a lot of bananas into the basket.”

Bob: “Yes I’ve heard the baby is obsessed with them – look he’s reaching out desperately now and shouting ‘BlaBla!'”

bananasBill: “She’s having to hide them behind a couple of pineapples in the basket– an impulse purchase for the purpose I suspect!”

Bob: “Yes, and dear me, Son no.2 has just raced off down to the other end of the aisle! He seems to be singing “Everything is awesome!” at the top of his voice and waving a cucumber!”

Bill: “She’ll have to buy that too now Bob.”

Bob: “Yes, she’s caught up with him and into the basket it goes. She’s giving him a job to do now to keep him occupied. He’s to get some cheese apparently.”

Bill: “That might just work, he’s gone off quite happily to the cheese section while Mum picks up a few more items in the fresh aisle.”

Bob: “And the baby’s doing his bit too – I saw him grab a bunch of grapes as they went past there… although should he be eating them?”

Bill: “Perhaps not Bob but – good news – Son no.2 is back with the cheese!”

Bob: “Hmm, only it’s cheese strings – from Mum’s face I think she was thinking more “caved-aged gruyere’ or at least a decent mature cheddar but never mind.”

Bill: “I’m a fan of wensleydale myself but… oh dear, Son no. 1 has now decided he ‘needs a wee’.”

Bob: “Mum’s telling him in no uncertain terms that he’ll have to hold on – there’s no customer toilet in here apparently!”

Bill: “Yikes, Bob – they’re going to have to up the pace then, to get home in time!”

Bob: “Indeed Bill, and they are, she’s almost running down the canned goods aisle…”

Bill: “Managing to hurl some baked beans and chopped tomatoes in as she races past – that basket’s looking heavy!”

Bob: “And they’ve finally reached the bread aisle and she’s flung in a loaf.”

Bill: “And also some doughnuts… the boys are looking pleased but she’s shot them a look that says ‘these are for me!'”

Bob: “The basket is looking really heavy now but, not to worry, Mum’s handed it to the boys and they’re carrying it between them”

Bill: “Hmmm ‘swinging’ it between them might be a more accurate way of putting it!”

Bob: “True, they have just scattered grapes across the floor with that last swing but, still they’re helping Mum aren’t they?”

Bill: “I’m saying nothing Bob…”

Bob: “Ah you’ve just spotted Son no.2 sneaking chocolate in to the basket I take it?”

Bill: “Indeed. Luckily Mum’s distracted trying to hoist the baby into a more comfortable position on her hip – he might just get away with that!”

Bob: “Right, Mum’s had enough; they’re headed for the tills”

Bill: “Oh no… there’s a huge queue behind to each of them!”

Bob: “It’s ok she’s headed to the new self service tills – no queue at all there!”till

Bill: “I suspect there’s a reason for that Bob, but lets see…”

Bob: “Right, she’s got the basket in the right area and is following the instructions on screen to swipe the items…”

Bill: “And then put them in the bag. Only she can’t get them in the bag because it’s stuck closed and she’s holding the baby.. but it’s fine she’s just put the baby down next to the till so she can deal with that.”

Bob: “Wait  – the the till’s bleeping and flashing at her: ‘Alert! Alert! Unidentified object in packing area!’”

Bill: “Yes Bob, that’ll be the baby. A little heaver than a punnet of strawberries I’ll warrant.”

Bob: “So she’s put the baby on the floor and managed to open the bag and started to load the shopping into it.”

Bill: “The baby’s crawling off though… should we…?”

Bob: “No need to tell her Bob, Son no. 1 is on it. He’s picked up the baby and jiggling him. The baby is shrieking ecstatically.”

Bill: “Not sure the man at the next check out is that keen on the shrieks Bob.”

Bob: “No, but Mum’s not got time to worry about that now. She’d just noticed the chocolate Son no.2 sneaked into the basket. Although, actually she’s looking quite pleased about it!”

Bill: “Something tells me Son no.2 wont be benefitting from that particular misdemeanour Bob.”

Bob: “No, especially as the self-serve till has just jammed again and is asking her to seek help from a member of staff.”

Bill: “She never should have tried to pass that ‘rustic loaf’ off as a ‘nordic loaf’ Bob – the till can see right through that sort of desperate action.”

Bob: “Mum’s looking wildly around for a member of staff while also taking the baby back off Son no.1”

Bill: “And taking a banana out of his hand… how did he get that anyway?!”

Bob: “Search me Bill! But look, we have real progress – someone has sorted out the glitch and all the items are through the till! Mum’s even managed to pay without a hitch”

Bill: “Although she does now have two small boys hanging off her demanding to go to the loo and telling her they’re hungry.”

Bob: “Not to mention the baby who she’s still trying to keep upright – a difficult task now he’s spotted the bananas in the bag – he can really stretch when he wants to can’t he?!”

Bill: “She needs to get out of here fast Bob!”

Bob: “She’s on it, she’s pretty much sprinting to the door with the kids in tow!”

Bill: “Back through the car park, through the rain, shopping bags knocking against her legs…”

Bob: “Baby crying at the rain slashing in this face.”

Bill: “Boys still shouting about being hungry and needing a wee!”

Bob: “But she’s made it! She’s got them all into the car and she’s setting off!”

Bill: “Hooray! But no, wait! Why’s she now slamming her hands onto the steering wheel like that?! She looks furious!”

Bob: “Ah Bob, that would be because she’s realised… ”

Bill: “Oh dear…”

Both: “She’s forgotten the milk!”

Prose for Thought

For more Bill and Bob check out what they had to say about The School Run and the weekly Kids Swimming Lessons.

Post Comment Love

limerick challenge #16

A couple of days ago the boys asked me to write a limerick about a chameleon. This is what I came up with (please forgive the dodgy rhymes, ‘chameleon’ is a tough one!):

 

I once met a sporty chameleon

Who boasted: “You know, I can REALLY run!

I’d beat you hands down

In a race round this town

With my powerful legs and my steely bum!”

 

boastful chameleon on confused by failure.

boastful chameleon confused by failure.

 

My just-turned-seven-year-old drew the picture above to go with it. When I asked why the chameleon was losing (I assumed he would win the race) he said “Because he’s a show-off and show-off’s never win. Even when they win they really lose because they’re showing off and no one likes that.”

I rather like this idea- that winning is more than just coming first; if no one is happy for you or likes you then you ultimately lose. But because it was breakfast time and I couldn’t really get my head round the philosophical standpoint, I decided to write another limerick to tell the rest of the tale and make sure that Mr Boastful Chameleon got his just desserts in a straightforward way:

 

So the show-off and I had a race

“I’ll win!” he said “I’ll get first place!”

But three steps from the line

Success became mine

When he tripped and fell flat on his face!

 

This is the first time I’ve written limericks that follow on from each other. Maybe I could write a story in limerick form at some point? Or would that be mad? I suspect my sons would love it though!

Post Comment Love

limerick challenge #15

Zebra (carrying baby zebra)

Zebra (carrying baby zebra)

It’s been nearly a month since my last limerick challenge! How did that happen?!

Today’s limerick has actually been brewing for a long time since the boys first asked me to write one about a zebra about three months ago. But what on earth rhymes with zebra? Deborah and then, well, pretty much nothing (although I discovered ’cause celebre’ via an online search). I just couldn’t make it work.

Then the other day I decided that there was no need to rhyme the actual word zebra as long as the limerick was about some of the attributes of a zebra, and so the the following limerick was born:

 

A tap-dancing zebra named Claire

Gave recitals beyond all compare

For under stage lights

Her contrasting stripes

Made it seem she was only half there!

partially visible zebra dancing on stage

partially visible zebra dancing on stage

As always, the boys illustrated the limerick for me. My 4yo drew the picture at the top. He loves babies so insisted it had to be of a mummy and a baby zebra. My 6yo did the drawing directly above. He’s learning about pointillism in school and decided a half-visible zebra was the perfect subject matter for a picture made entirely of dots!

I’ll try not to leave a month between limericks next time!

Prose for Thought

yoda ode(a)

20140302_175115-1

There’s a funny little Yoda head that keeps appearing around our house. It’s teeny (not much bigger than a baked bean) and I find it in the most random of places, just when I’m least expecting it. No one will admit to moving it around though… I guess it must move by magic?

Anyway, I thought I would write a poem about it:

Ode(a) to Yoda

 

Here’s a silly ode a-

Bout little head of Yoda

Who randomly arrives

To amuse and surprise

On a chair or by the bed,

Or on a stair (the topmost tread)

 

Maybe sneaked behind a door

Or abandoned on the floor,

Perhaps it’s on a window ledge

Or on a table near the edge,

Or it could be by the sink

I just don’t know what to think…

 

You see, I never really know

Where this Yoda head will go;

“Did you move it boys?” I say

But my kids declare “No way!”

“But you must’ve, don’t you see?

Because I know it wasn’t me!”

 

Then I realise, oh, OF COURSE!

Yoda’s moving with THE FORCE.

 

I’ve had a whole month without taking part in any linkies (so I could get some creative writing done) so I’m excited to be linking with Prose for Thought today – I really missed it! My poem is not a remotely sensible contribution to the poetic pile of course, but hey.

For more poetry and prose check out #Prose4T  over at Verily Victoria Vocalises – I’m off to have a read now!

Prose for Thought

limerick challenge #14

Possibly the worlds fattest kitten

A very fat kitten wearing an amazing hat.

I’ve been really focused on writing my novel recently but I felt like it was time for a little break and a Limerick Challenge. My sons were undecided as to whether to choose ‘a kitten’ as a subject for a limerick or ‘Yoda’. So I gave them both, thus earning myself some (sorely-needed) mum points! Here’s my limerick:

 

There once was a starstruck young kitten

Who with Yoda from Star Wars was smitten

“He’s gorgeous!” she said

“With his hairy, green head.”

By the love bug she’d surely been bitten!

 

Kitten proposing to Yoda. Thankfully he accepts!

As always, the boys illustrated the limerick. Having seen these drawings, I’m not entirely sure they know what a kitten looks like but I do like the marriage proposal!

limerick challenge #13

panda 2

It’s been nearly two weeks since my last limerick challenge and yesterday I suddenly found myself with itchy limerick-writing-fingers! My sons chose a panda as my subject. I have to admit, I didn’t write a particularly child-friendly limerick (no mentions of bottoms or snot!) but the boys were still happy to draw pictures of pandas for me. The 4yo’s effort (above) does look rather more like a demonic puppy though… perhaps that could be the subject of a future poem?

 

There was an unfortunate panda

Whose parents-in-law couldn’t stand her

“Oh Steve!” they’d exclaim

To their son of that name,

“We preferred your LAST girlfriend: Miranda!”

 

panda

limerick challenge #12

So here we are, a mere six days from my decision not to take part in any blog hops at all for a whole month and I’m already linking up with Prose for Thought!

This really is the last time (for a month) though. The thing is, having accidentally forgotten to do my weekly limerick challenge on Monday – leading to my decision to switch to doing that on an ad hoc basis – the boys suddenly got really keen for me to write one. They spent a couple of days flinging suggestions at me: ‘a kitten!’, ‘a rhino!’, ‘an armadillo!’ ’till my brain finally stopped spinning and I wrote a couple.

Since I’ve written them and it’s a Thursday (and I love #Prose4T) I figured I will linkup. But that is IT. No more blog-hopping in May. I need to dedicate more time to creative writing and less time to blogging if I’m ever going to get anywhere with the humungous task of writing a book.

Anyway, enough preamble. Two baboon limericks. Illustrations by my boys as usual:

 

There was an unlucky baboon

With a bum like a shrivelled balloon

Sometimes he would hate it

Till he learned to inflate it

And bounced spacehopper-style round the room

 

bouncing baboon with baby bouncing baboon (my 4yo loves babies!)

bouncing baboon (with baby bouncing baboon!)

 

A young and ambitious baboon

Built a rocket to fly to the moon

But he had no knowledge

Of engine hydraulics

And thus the whole project was doom(ed)

 

Baboon with his (rather fetching ) pink rocket.

Baboon with his (rather fetching ) pink rocket.

 

Prose for Thought

limerick challenge #11

Kangeroo

Kangaroo

For this week’s limerick challenge my sons asked me to write about a kangaroo. I actually wrote two limericks and will admit that the one below wasn’t their favourite, but I decided that one was just too gross to publish! We settled on one which is a compromise between their desire for something disgusting and my desire for something… else.

Both the pictures are by my six-year-old this week. His little brother was keen to illustrate the final line but he seems to have a growing perfectionist streak and threw his drawings away because they kept ‘going wrong’! Anyway, here’s our limerick:

An adventurous chef kangaroo

Concocted a new type of stew

Full of all odds and ends

Which she fed to her friends…

Who then spent all night long on the loo.

kangeroo cooking a stew (with a joey in her pouch)

kangaroo cooking a stew (with a joey in her pouch)

limerick challenge #10

This is week ten of my limerick challenge which feels like something of a milestone… we’re into the double digits now!

My challenge this week was to write about a bear which, thankfully, was another straightforward rhyme (I’m fully expecting another tricky one soon!) I wrote it – with the boys’ help – in the car on Friday then forgot all about it until we were about to go out today to take them to their grandparents for a few days.

“Oh no!” I said, “You haven’t drawn me a picture yet!” so my six-year-old hurriedly did one. There was no time for his little brother to do any drawing though, so this week’s post is a bit light on illustrations. Here’s the limerick anyway:

 

A trend-setting, young grizzly bear

Who was bored of his straight, mid-brown hair

Said “A purple bouffant

Is the hairstyle I want!”

The results really made people stare!

 

image (25)

bold bouffanted bear

flashback

Monster cake

It’s the Easter holidays and I’m covered in kids so have no time for creative writing at the moment! But I love linking up with #Prose4T on a Thursday so I thought, rather than posting a new piece, I would share something that I wrote last June (before I started blogging).

It was my oldest son’s sixth birthday and we had a manic weekend where I tried to do everything I thought a good mother should, and only just held on to my sanity in the process. So I allowed – even encouraged (?!) – him to have some friends over for a birthday tea after school on Friday (his actual birthday) even though I’d had practically no sleep (my youngest was four months old), a screaming headache and an ill, tetchy baby permanently glued to my hip. Of course, the five of them were all besides themselves with excitement and spent the whole time wrestling, screaming and throwing chips at each other.

Then I was up till midnight baking my son’s cake and up repeatedly in the night with the baby. I then had to take all three kids to two other birthday parties the next day, inbetween mad dashes to the shops and frenetic bouts of cleaning in preparation for my son’s party the following day. Then I was up till midnight again decorating the cake (and sending hubby on last minute supermarket runs for everything that I’d forgotton earlier) before obviously being up in the night with the baby again. My son’s party was on Sunday and nearly finished me off. That evening when the kids were finally in bed I collapsed on the sofa and posted this status update on Facebook (and the song is just as unseasonal now as it was then!):

 

*Sings*

For my son’s sixth birthday

the weekend gave to me:

Twelve bags of shopping,

Eleven loads of washing,

Ten bouts of screaming,

Nine rooms for cleaning,

Eight hours of baking,

Seven night-time wakings,

Six sudden panics,

FIVE BOYS FOR TEA,

Four headaches,

Three children’s parties,

Two exhausted sons

And a bottle of gin for me!

This year is going to be completely different. No aching, waking, screaming or cleaning. And no wrestling. I will glide seraphically through the experience and end the day with the satisfied glow of a super-mum.

Oh who am I kidding? I’ve already bought the gin in preparation.

Prose for Thought