fear and anxiety

lightningSad and scared.

That’s how I’ve been feeling recently when I’ve looked at the world around me. 2016 has not been a good year. Actually, that’s an understatement: 2016 has felt like a terrible year. Sickening terrorist atrocities, a horribly divisive EU referendum, our British political system a mess, a rise in hate crime and a despicably vicious tabloid press that has sown lies and grown hatred. And bubbling along with a growing fervour, a US election that has shone a light on so much of what is wrong with the world.

I find it hard to write about Donald Trump. I find it hard to speak about him without my words getting tangled with rage. I can throw out words that describe who he is – that describe what he is: racist, misogynistic, narcissistic, a bully, a liar, an incompetent who is absolutely unfit even for the role of president of one of his (failed) companies let alone of the ‘free world’.

But those words… no matter how much truth they hold, seem weightless in the face of his march towards power.

A few weeks ago, after tapes of Trump boasting about ‘grabbing’ women, were released, ‘sexual abuser’ was added to that list of words to describe him. Sexual abuser. And his popularity dipped. But you know, pah, where’s the harm in a bit of sexual abuse? Thought no right-minded person ever… and yet, AND YET, after that dip, his popularity has grown again until he and Hillary Clinton are practically level in the polls.

I’m horrified. Just… horrified.

Like so many others, I reeled in the wake of those Trump tapes. Even more so as more women stepped forward to share how he had assaulted them too. And I felt sick to the stomach as he cast aside their accusations not with, “I would never do that because it is morally reprehensible” (I suppose he couldn’t really could he? as he’d already said it’s the sort of thing he did), or with, “I admit it and it was wrong and obviously I will remove myself as a candidate and accept a jail sentence for my crimes” but with “Look at her – I don’t think so”. Because, what? Sexual assault is something that only happens to women who look a certain way? As if sexual assault isn’t a diabolical and appalling act that no human being let alone presidential candidate should ever commit.

I read articles and stories by women around the world about how all this made them feel. How it awakened painful memories from their pasts, of how it reminded them of every abusive experience they’d ever had. Across the globe, women were united in grief and pain and fear and I knew, I KNEW:

THIS MAN CANNOT BE PRESIDENT.

Because of course he can’t. And yet, there he is. Republican candidate. Drawing ever closer in the polls to Hillary Clinton.

And you know what bothers me most? And why, despite not being a US citizen, I have such a passionate interest in the outcome of the election?

It’s not even that he isn’t fit for presidency – that he isn’t capable or worthy of dealing with the power and prestige that comes with the role (of course he isn’t. OF COURSE HE ISN’T.)

It’s not even the thought of what laws he might try to repeal or what hatred he will undoubtedly sow and the far-reaching consequences of that.

It’s not even the idea of him having his hands on the nuclear codes, though that makes my blood run cold –

It’s what it symbolises if he wins. It’s the message it sends our next generation.

That a racist, a misogynist, a narcissist,

a bully, a liar, an incompetent.

a sexual abuser.

can become President of America.

People have said not to worry. That Hillary Clinton will win. That a woman who is intelligent, competent and experienced, hardworking, dedicated and compassionate will prevail over… that.

And I’m trying to believe them. I’m trying not to worry.

Wednesday is going to dawn on a different world. Let it be a better one. Let it be one where little girls can think ‘maybe one day I can be president!’. Let it be one where it’s NOT ok to be a racist or a bully or a liar. Where we challenge misogyny rather than, too often, accepting it. And where our sons and daughters can aspire to be the best they can be in a society where – regardless of race, or sexuality, or ability or religion or gender – we are all equals.

I’ll be watching for the sunrise. And, despite my fear, I’m going to hope.

Writing Bubble

14 thoughts on “fear and anxiety

    1. Maddy Post author

      My thoughts exactly. I think the shock of brexit has made me more scared about the outcome of this election, and the fallout since the referendum result has made me more fearful of the consequences. xx
      Maddy recently posted…fear and anxietyMy Profile

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  1. Cara

    I’ve been keeping my head down on this, but you’re right, it’s terrifying. The odds on Trump becoming president are better than the odds of Britain voting for Brexit were. Brexit was impossible, unthinkable, and then it was. I hope that the American people have more sense than the British. But for both situations I find myself thinking that there are an awful lot of people who think that hateful thoughts and deeds are acceptable, and that makes me despair for the future. We kid ourselves that things are almost fair, but look at who succeeds, look at the values society appreciates. Meanwhile caring for people is maligned and women talking about their lived experience is either irrelevant nonsense or feminist ranting. I pray the American people will reject Trump, and that those who supported him reassess their worldview. And for us? I am sadly anticipating Indyref2, when I’ll change from No to Yes.
    Cara recently posted…I’m on Patreon!My Profile

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    1. Maddy Post author

      That’s exactly why I’m so sad, Cara – that the hateful thoughts and those who feel them and champion them, seem to be winning. This election feels massive to me no only because they HAVE to reject Trump in the name of all that is good, but also because if they elect Hillary then it’s the first female president and that is huge. We grew up with the first female prime minister of Britain in power. I think it made a difference to us (even though personally I can’t stand her politics). I want the same for the kids of America. As for Indyref2 I can’t bear the idea of Scotland leaving us although I can totally understand why you’d want to.
      Maddy recently posted…fear and anxietyMy Profile

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  2. Marija Smits

    Excellent post, Maddy, you’ve summed up so much of what I’m feeling too. Unfortunately I’m not holding on to a lot of hope. Humans don’t seem to learn from the mistakes of history. But we will see… Sending hugs xxx

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  3. Dana

    Oh Maddy, thank you for writing this, for sharing the interior your big heart and showing such compassion from across the ocean. I agree with you on all this. Trump winning is terrifying on so many deeply disturbing levels, but at core it would give a message that hate wins. Historically that has absolutely happened before, happens, but perhaps not in this country, at this level. I’m going to vote right after the kids go to school tomorrow because I can’t wait another second. I will stay in line however long and vote for humanity and decency and hope. xoxo
    Dana recently posted…Spreading the WordMy Profile

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  4. Turning Up In Devon

    Your post articulates exactly how I feel too. I definitely feel the fear about the possibility of a Trump presidency because his core beliefs are so so abhorrent. I’m hoping to wake up to a new global era with Clinton for sure. X #whatimwriting

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  5. Pingback: Trump, and the post I didn’t want to write « Marija Smits

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