I know you’re very busy and this is not the best time of year to approach you with any extra requests, but I was just wondering if you could grant me this one wish? You see, I’d very much like some sleep please.
This is serious. The baby is nine months old now which – given the discomforts of late pregnancy – means it’s now been roughly a year since I last had a solid, delicious eight hours. Or anything close.
I don’t mean to whinge, except that, well, actually I DO mean to whinge.
Look, I’ve even rewritten the words of my favourite carol just to explain how serious the situation is:
*Lovely piano intro with tingling bells*
Oh holy sh*te, the baby isn’t sleeping,
This is the night when I may lose the plot.
Long, painful hours where I am gently weeping
As I stand helplessly near the cot.
A stab of cramp my weary legs are trembling
The hours drag slowly on towards the morn.
I fall on my knees and wildly I beseech him
Oh baby of mine, I know you’re tired, I’ve seen you yawn.
Oh Christ, Just CLO-OSE YOUR EYES! It’s nearly dawn!
So you see Santa, I’m really tired.
I promise to leave you a bottle of whiskey if you can grant me this one special Christmas wish (although I can’t promise not to have drunk most of the bottle in an attempt to get some frikkin’ sleep).
Lots of love